What I Observed

I didn't take many photos at the beach this year. While on the sand I contemplated, What's up with my body?... not, What photo should I take? But on our last day, I made a list of my favorite memories. So while I struggled going from participator in fun to observer of the same, I got to see some cool things.

I've already written about the rainbows. But I'll start with them because I don't remember seeing so many rainbows in past years. And it was all about timing. Walking outdoors at the right moment. Being led by the divine to see His handiwork in the sky. A quiet whisper from heaven that all is well.

The first day I sat on the beach, Sam, and his two cousins, Trey and Josh, showed up. They waded into yellow flag waves and threw a frisbee. They flowed with the disk, up and down the beach, framed by a blue sky, a bright sun, and white caps. I wasn't with them in the water, but I liked what I observed.

A few days later, I caught all three stretched out in front of a TV, watching High School Musical 2. Stunned, I stayed long enough to make sure I hadn't mislabeled the show. But no, a corny Disney musical flick had my Sam's attention. He claimed Josh chose it. And since Josh is almost a teen, he could have been lured by the whole cute-Disney-girl thing. I'll never know. I just closed the door with a smile. Cousin bonding of a different kind observed.

As I walked from the pool on a dark side street the following night, the same three lay on their backs in the middle of the road, star gazing. Sam swore they had enough time to jump up if a car came. I wasn't so sure. But since they looked at peace with the world and seemed content to expand their horizons while bonding with pavement, I didn't insist on a change. I walked away, hoping a shooting star would fly across the night sky.

At some point the cousins (including Jess and her friend, Kimber) discovered they could play ultimate frisbee on the golf course in the late evening. They looked like grasshoppers from our balconies. As I stared out my bedroom window mid-week, two grasshoppers stopped throwing the frisbee and began - waltzing. I never heard why Josh (5' 5) got Trey (6' 4) to waltz with him on the golf course. But I know Josh recently won a waltz competition and I can only guess the open green had the lure of a dance floor. I wish all the grasshoppers had danced. But one of them threw the frisbee again and the running began instead.

The cousins sang, played guitar on our balconies, and gathered to work on Bible studies at different times during the week.  There was a lot to observe. And I sure am glad they have each other and that they had the chance to make such cool memories together.

My dad rented a boat the last day. I stayed behind due to sun and motion concerns. But I heard more great stories and saw this photo. My oldest had flown into town and got to spend the afternoon with everyone. So even Nathan was there when Jess discovered a seahorse swimming in the bay.

Counsins observed... a very good thing.

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Remembering Rainbows

Some days I enjoy the basics: laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, an episode of The Mentalist. After the last two weeks, creating order in my home served as cheap therapy this afternoon. A week at the beach wore me out. A week moving grandma from the second to the third floor kept me from recovery.

I shouldn't complain about sun and sand but my feet didn't tolerate either well. Observing fun more than participating in it messed with my psyche and I'm still not back to myself. Truth is I'm probably trying to get used to the new normal and just haven't gotten there yet.

I keep thinking if I write about it, put it out there in black and white, then maybe my heart will lighten and the ankles calm. But it's day two on this blog attempt and I just broke for a nap. So I'll post a picture I took it at the end of our first full day of vacation.

We drove through serious rain to reach the panhandle. Downpours kept us indoors for most of that day. But as the sun set, I decided to get my toes in the sand.

As I drove from the bay side to the oceans edge, this rainbow grew with the sunset. The photo doesn't do it justice. But I loved the moment.

My arm hurt from driving. My ankles buzzed from too much car vibration. And I had used my red walker for the first time earlier in the day.

When the rainbow grew, it awoke child like wonder in me - especially a rainbow reflected in a sunset. For a moment the heaviness lifted and I chased it till I could capture it in a photo.

"I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life." (Gen.9: 13-15) 

Cross references:

1. Genesis 9:13 : ver 14; Eze 1:28; Rev 4:3; 10:1
2. Genesis 9:14 : S ver 13
3. Genesis 9:15 : S Ge 8:1; Ex 2:24; 6:5; 34:10; Lev 26:42, 45; Dt 7:9; Ps 89:34; 103:18; 105:8; 106:45; Eze 16:60
4. Genesis 9:15 : S Ge 8:21

By the last day of our trip, I knew I couldn't walk on the beach again. Maybe that will change some day. But after three trips to the waters edge and back, and one short jaunt down the beach, pain scared me away from the sand. So on our last night together, my mom and I sat on a porch area just shy of the beach and talked for over an hour. As we talked, a small sliver of rainbow came and went, shining its colors in a stormy sky. I don't know if you can see it in the photo, but when she took the picture there were actually two small rainbow segments in the background.

(The first is just above the yellow/orange tarp in the middle of the photo. The second, over to the right.)

When I write about weeks like this, I wonder if I sound self absorbed. After all, I was at the beach with a great view, family, and plenty to eat. But I know there are others like me, facing slow loss that keeps them from being who they once were. And today, I'm writing for them.

It's not easy. Don't know that it ever will be.

But what amazes me always is how God never fails to remind me He's here in the midst; His promises remain; His faithfulness will prevail.

The rainbow danced in the sky that Friday night. A calm reminder as I watched the ocean from a distance.

And today, I needed to remember.

A few hours after we left the porch with a view, something snapped under my right big toe. It wouldn't bend for days. I can bend it some now, but it's not back to normal. A neurologist referred me to a podiatrist and is wondering if I need more than the insoles the orthopaedic ordered.

Hmmm... rainbows, Susan, remember the rainbows.

Today I'll think about rainbows and heaven and the reality that all this makes sense in His grand order of things. God's character hasn't changed just because my ankles have weakened. Digging deeper and trusting just that is what today is about for me.

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The FireFlyer Blog

I've been meaning to post this all week. But a day in the ER getting Sam's toe stitched and a Grandma move from one floor to another has tied up a lot of time. A story of mine was posted on the FireFlyer Blog while I was on vacation in Florida. I wrote it last February after spending over half the year working with the Ga Dept of Labor to get hand controls in my car. I wanted to write more before posting it, but today I'll let the story speak for itself.

Enjoy! And search the website. If you learn something new about mitochondrial disease, post it here. I'd love to read your responses.

http://mitochondrialdiseases.org/TheFireFlyer/disabled-but-still-me/

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Confetti and Creation

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Rom. 1: 20)

I bought a package of confetti for Sam's graduation party and Papa tossed the colored pieces on the tables. Most of the non-biodegradable adornments made it to the trash but a few pieces still sparkle on my porch. I like them there. They're a tangible reminder of the fun we had.

A few months ago, a friend of Sam's asked if she could spend some time with me this summer. Since I can't walk very far I asked if she wanted to do a Bible study. In response, she asked if we could read Crazy Love by Francis Chan (2008) . She started it with a friend last summer and never finished it - a perfect fit to me.

So while a lot of the people I know have already read the book, I just started it two weeks ago. And I had a sweet time last Monday, sitting where I am now, reading passages from the book, watching videos from the web site, and basking in the bigness of God with a searching soul very much like mine.

Some favorite quotes:

"There is an epidemic of spiritual amnesia going around, and none of us is immune. No matter how many fascinating details we learn about God's creation, no matter how many pictures we see of his galaxies, and no matter how many sunsets we watch, we still forget." (pg. 29)

"In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him." (pg. 29)

"We are programmed to focus on what we don't have, bombarded multiple times throughout the day with what we need to buy that will make us feel happier or sexier or more at peace. This  dissatisfaction transfers over to our thinking about God. We forget that we already have everything we need in Him." (pg. 29)

Reminders abound. Flowers bloom. Birds sing. The sun rises and falls. Why do we go to  nature for peace? Because the King of Creation inhabits it all.

Remnants from Sam's party remind me of the sweet time we shared. How much more so are creation's reminders meant to turn our thoughts to the one who "brings out the starry hosts one by one, and calls them each by name..." (Is. 40: 26)

Crazy Love. It's all here to remind us of His Crazy Love.

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Red Walkers and Me

Memorial Day Weekend bored me. Don worked every day while I rested my legs. A week of graduation events wore them out and I had no choice but to sit still. So I googled adult walkers.

Walmart offers a decent collection but I haven't gotten the gumption to go for the purchase.  Momentum is slowly building. But since I experience semi-normal days, I struggle to accept I need a walker for things like high school graduation in the Georgia heat. But after melting in the hot sun and naïvely ignoring all signs for extra special handicap parking, it took me days to recover.

Four years ago, a Christian author named Cec Murphy offered me a scholarship to a writer's conference in California. I was thrilled with the opportunity but scared of the travel.  A mother of one of my voice students battled MS but since she was doing well, loaned me her walker. 

I only used it once before entering the airport to fly to San Jose but it eased my walk to the terminal. My legs stiffen when I sit too long, so when we landed, I waited till the plane emptied before trying to exit. I wanted to be inconspicuous.

In San Jose, however, we exited the plane via a large set of stairs onto the tarmac. As I started down,  I saw the aparatus on the concrete below. After maneuvering a few steps, however, I watched as baggage handlers seated a grandma type on my walker as if it was hers.

I couldn't speak; didn't want to speak; didn't want to claim it as my own.

But fortunately for me, a flight attendant who saw me enter the plane knew it was mine. Her proclamation, complete with hand motions, interrupted my thoughts, "That walker belongs to this lady!  That walker belongs to this lady!" As I continued down the stairs, everyone on the tarmac knew it belonged to me. And while it saved me during my time at Mt Hermon, I never quite adjusted to being the handicap girl with the walker.

There are many days I only need a cane. But there are others that I don't do things because I can't survive without extra assistance. So it's time.  It's time for me to buy my own red walker and be at peace with the change. 

So all I'm asking here and now is that if you happen to see me out (with a preferably shiny red one) that you'll look me in the eye and say, "Susan, you look lovely today." Cause chances are my insides will be aflutter and you'll be wondering if I've gotten worse.

It really doesn't mean I'm worse. It just means I'm accepting who I am... and that I might go to a baseball game and the zoo.

And that's some fun I'd like to do.

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